I recently had an epiphany. It came in the form of an SOS from another writer given a tight deadline for edits from her publisher. She asked for my help as a second set of eyes and I agreed without hesitation.
The catch? The edits needed to be back to her that same night. I received the piece at 10pm and was finally able to send it back by 1:30am. The next day, as I sat behind my desk at my 9-5, I realized I’d done for her what I wasn’t doing for myself.
“The enemy is our chattering brain, which, if we give it so much as a nanosecond, will start producing excuses, alibis, transparent self-justifications, and a million reasons why we can’t/shouldn’t/won’t do what we know we need to do.” –Steven Pressfield
I had become lazy, subconsciously nursing my own self-doubt. I made the process harder than it needed to be so that I could tell myself it was okay that I wasn’t writing. I was missing opportunities and deadlines for submissions, but could not produce a valid reason for it.
But, the real question I was left asking myself was, why? Why was I willing to lose sleep and work late into the night for another writer but not be willing to do the same for myself? Fear, self-doubt, self-consciousness, take your pick. I was feeding into my own anxieties and in turn shutting myself down.
It was so easy to find the excuses not to do what I knew was completely within my means to accomplish. I’d become the foil within the story of my own life. And now that I was able to see that, I couldn’t un-see it. I have been writing, revising and producing work of my own everyday since. I have set short tight deadlines, (I realized as well that I do better with them than without) and have not let myself waver from them.
With each new day, I will make the conscious decision to push past the resistance I have created in my own mind. I will overcome the self-doubt that was preventing me from putting out the work I know is within me.
The deadlines are looming. I am more productive than ever…it’s time to get to work.